Friday, September 09, 2005

New Crush

Have you ever had that feeling of attraction to someone that most likely could careless that you exist? I get that feeling all the time. Whether it is a close friend that you have alot in common with or some random doorman at your favorite bar. Maybe that is the whole reason it is your favorite bar. If they were not there you might not go or the bar just would not be the same. I get crushes on people all the time. I am not sure why other than the fact that I guess I have feelings and want to make my life seem more exciting. I think maybe I make up reasons for needing the crushes... Greg is all wonderful and all but after 3 years which is coming up this weekend things seem to be in a routine as usual... nothing is planned for the weekend of our 3 year anniversary... I doubt he will even remember that it is our anniversary... should I mention it? No, because in the end it is just a date that freaks me out. 3 years is the longest I have ever been with one person and I think I sit around thinking too much of how different things would be if we were not together... I get crushes on random people to feel those feelings that I wish I felt for Greg or the ones I remember feeling when we first started dating. You know that wonderful feeling like you are high on life and you just want to see their face or hear their voice even when there is really nothing to talk about.... I remember hour long conversations on the phone... the 2 hour drive to see him when he lived far away. I think now that we have lived together for what seems like an eternity and the fact that our lives seem so stuck like a wheel spinning on a bike with no chain.

I wish I felt the way I did the first month we started dating. When I get crushes on other people it just lets me re-live those feelings that seem so far away. I never really care if the person I have the crush on feels the same way.. I would rather just sit back and enjoy the view as the feelings rush through my body like the tide coming in at the shore. I think if I knew they had no interest in me what so ever it would not feel the same... and if they were interested then I really could not act on them and the whole fantasy of day dreaming what I would want them to be like is really the only thing I care about and not really the real person or thier real personality. I imagine that the person I have created them to be has to be better than what someone is really like. I mean when you make up the whole relationship in your head it has to be better than what it would really be like.

But then you always sit and wonder if they really do like you back. Maybe there is time to find that out later in life. But not today... not even tomorrow.... The time will most likely never come but then again it is just more to add to the fantasy that makes me feel so good just thinking about it. I got my first real crush when I was 13 or 14. It might have even been on my 14th birthday. I remember going to see Ozzy Osborne play at the Fox Theater in St. Louis, MO. I was in the 3rd row and had backstage passes. I met Zack Wilde, Micheal Inez, and Randy Castillo. Ozzy never came back to the area we were in, which didnt bother me one bit. Everyone signed my t-shirt which I still have and have not really worn since... I have photos from the evening and it had to be the best birthday I had ever had. That is the night I met my first crush. He is one of the most amazing people that has ever impacted my life. We remained friends for longer than I have ever been friends with someone. I think we will always be friends... but we lose contact with each other from time to time... with me moving all over the country. Now is one of those times that we really are not in contact with each other. I am not sure why. I have his email address. I have his phone number... but I cannot call. I click on my phone book on my phone daily looking at the number, wishing I could dial it, but I cannot. I will just sit and hope that he will one day call me again. Maybe I am secretly hoping that he reads my online diary. Maybe I hope he is not reading it or he would have written or called. Maybe I am investing too much time and energy into a one sided crush that has lasted me 13 years of my life.

My newest crush is adorable. When I first met him I noticed his awesome beltbuckle.. his wonderful smile... I never see him outside of his job so in my head he works all the time being the doorman. Smiling at me and checking my id when I go to the bar. I cannot help but check him out everytime he walked by my table. I bat my eyelashes at how cute he is when he is not looking. Who knows maybe he sees me and thinks its cute. I try my hardest not to talk to him... it would ruin my fun, Maybe my new crush will go away the next time I see someone else to sit and obsess over. Maybe the old one will fade away. I seriously doubt any of them will go away because I enjoy being all super emotional over things I have created in my head.