Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Angry Youth

I think I am one of the angriest people I know and I think I know alot of people. I have a good group of friends and a good group of people that I am not really sure if I really like them.
I have not worked steadily since the beginning of March and the couple times I did work it seemed like the harder I was working the lower the pay became. So I have all that stress built up.
I am trying to open a scooter shop that I am beginning to lose hope in due to other circumstances that just seem to be jumping in the way. People I wanted to like a little.. but now decieded that I do not trust and that I am getting a wonderful feeling of hatred for. It puts a lump in my already stressed out stomach.
It seems like all the stress built up about working and not working is getting to me really bad that little things that shouldnt bother me seem to be adding to it and also seem to be making me mad a people I most likely should not be mad at.
I am starting to think that I have several friends that seem to have a one sided friendship with me. I dont really know how to explain it to anyone other than I feel like I try to be a good friend to those I like and want to discuss things going on in my life but I feel that I listen to everyone elses problems and how their day went and no one really listens to how my day went or why I am always pissed off. I am pissed off because most people in this world are a bunch of selfish assholes including myself. Everyone does things to help themselves. That is how most people get through life and get ahead.
I use to be a giving person. At least when I had stuff to give. I really have nothing anymore. Maybe I really dont want friends. I have gotten through life since Jr High school after moving around every 3 years and having to start all over making new friends everytime sometimes fitting in with whats popular in the area and sometimes being a total outcast with maybe 3 friends.
All my friends seem to have problems... but their problems seem so petty compared to mine. Most of them have jobs and own their own houses they have a pretty big group of support and friends. Everyone is so obsessed with their minor problems that they cannot see that I am falling apart and going mental they don't care.
I search for new friends daily and new things to obsess over so that I can get my mind off my problems. I bottle them up inside. The bottle is not very big it is almost full. I have no way to open it to to pour some out to make room for more. I wish my bottle was like a molotov cocktail, where I could light it on fire and throw it really far away from me all the problems would burn away. I wish it had a slow leak or something so that by the time my new problems came some of the old ones would have gone away.
I dont think I want to listen to anyone elses problems anymore. I dont have room for my own issues then to deal with anyone elses petty issues. So I hope no one bitches at me ever again about anything because I really dont want to hear it. Unless you want to bitch at me for being a selfish attention whore that I am then don't.
I hate everyone!